Identity

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My thoughts churn as reality seeps in. Has my life been a lie, am I not who I am? I seek and search and search some more, but it’s nowhere to be found, not anywhere. What is this mystery in my life that I seek? It’s my identity, I don’t have one, I think.

I search for pieces and will occasionally find a tiny bit of me, but never enough for identity. The darkness and evils from my younger life, have robbed me from having peace, being a mother, a wife. Emptiness and despair fill my days, a gaping hole that leaves me seeking harm on some days. Try to imagine knowing nothing of yourself, not knowing what you like, what you hate, what you can do to escape.

I love you today, I hate you tomorrow, then pushing you away creates all my sorrow. Those are the ways my thought patterns work, due to not having a solid base or self-worth. A part of my mind says, “Reach for the stars,” while my emotions make clear all of their scars. I can’t make a commitment, I won’t see it through. Chances are great, my emotions I’ll have to subdue.

Fucked up? Yes. Indeed, I am, I’m a mess, a mental case of high level and empty as hell. Does this mean I’m dangerous to others or self? I can’t hurt anyone, except for myself. So the thoughts continue to churn and churn, as my emotional state flares and starts to burn. I must be under water, I must be in the sea, I have no breath, absolutely no air in me. This is the panic that always sets in when my minds spins too fast and the fears begin.

I sit up straight, gasping for breath, feeling like a fish that’s been brought up from the depths. I suffer with an illness that no one can see, they think I should be fine and act normally. I barely function, I’m surprised I can live, this much pain should take my spirit out of its shell, it hurts so much inside, even the physical pain is more than I could tell.

I’m not the woman who I used to be, I used to know me, I thought I had an identity. That girl was so fun, so happy, so flirty, she shined like a beacon, and hardly ever worried. But reality reared its head and truth became known, that person just vanished, now I’m empty and alone.

I know my husband resents me, he misses the old me, but was she imagination, all in my mind? Tell me. I long for the days I could laugh without a care, now when I laugh I hear the bitterness in there. Pieces of me, oh where can you be? I need you here, come back to complete me. I won’t stop seeking, I’ll crawl if I must, this identity of mine, I’ll find it…trust.o t

Borderline Personality Disorder

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2011…The year I was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, severe anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder with psychosis. I always believed I had a relatively normal life with normal mental health, I managed to work, raise a child (with his father, have to give those good parents credit), live on my own, pay my own bills and overcome any adversities that were in my path. I had some regrets, like not attending college, but I was not unhappy.

It all began with a nightmare I was having early one morning. I woke from the dream and could recall what I was dreaming about…then I realized the dream hadn’t stopped. It was a memory from when I was a child, just three years old. I was defiled and deflowered by two teenage neighbor boys who were always extremely mean to me. Memories have continued off and on still to this year, but now through therapy, support groups and DBT I have learned skills to begin not just taking my life back, but building the life I always wanted and should have had the courage to attain at a much younger age.

Now that the boring beginning is out…this will be my space for my thoughts, sharing some of my journaling, poetry, short stories and lyrics. I have always had a love for words so I was easily persuaded to begin to share them. I hope you will find something that resonates with you and if you find something that helps you in the smallest of ways I will be thrilled beyond all compare! Welcome to my thoughts…by the way, I’m the sister in the center.